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Rep. Mark Pocan beat us to the punch, but here we go anyway.

On tonight's episode of The Colbert Report, Mr. Colbert discussed our very own Wisconsin State Representative Frank Lasee (R-Green Bay). What'd Lasee do to get the mention on national television? Why suggest that to make schools safer, we ought to arm all the teachers and staff! Yes, arm the teachers. Said Mr. Colbert of Rep. Lasee's plan:

You know folks, there have been a number of terrible tragedies in our schools in the last couple weeks and we're all looking for ways to keep them from every happening again, which brings us to tonight's word: safety. [Caption: Safety]

When I was a kid, I always felt safe - I'd go to school, play games - there wasn't a thing to worry about. But now, the world's different. ["Let's Play Global Thermonuclear War!"] Kids face all sorts of new dangers. [Congressmen and Spinach] For instance, firearms are the second leading cause of death for kids nineteen and under and the number of American kids under fourteen killed by guns each year is twelve times the number killed in twenty-five other industrialized countries combined. So how do we make our schools safe again? How do we get back to a more innocent time? [Ban Flag Burning?] Wisconsin State Lawmaker Frank Lasee has the answer:
(Fox News clip) What I want to do is allow school personnel to carry weapons and to protect themselves and our children in our schools.
Yes! Arm the teachers! [Nice Shot, Mr. Chips!]

The only way to keep guns out of our classrooms is to put guns in our classrooms. [Reloading is Fundamental] Guns will be a deterrent. [Plus, 9mm Teaches Metric System] You see, if a teacher might have a gun, a suicidal psycho will stay away. I mean, he wouldn't want to put his life in danger! Of course, if the psycho does not follow this rational line of thinking, he might kill the teacher first. That's why we also have to arm the students. [No Guns Left Behind] Now, not every child can be trusted with the weapons so we'll give the students psychological evaluations. [And Arm the Psychologists] And the ones who pass the psych exam will get firearms training. [Ones Who Fail Go On Football Team] Of course, guns aren't the only danger our kids face.

There's also drugs. Dealers lurk around playgrounds trying to hook a new generation. [On Something Other Than Ritalin] That's why we must provide our teachers with drugs. Good stuff. Top shelf Bolivian marching powder. ["We've Got Spirit, Yes We Do!!!!"] Pushers won't stand a chance if our kids know there's primo sh-t in the bottom drawer of Mr. Johnson's desk. [Next to Unfinished Novel]

Of course, teen pregnancy is also rampant. [Damn You, K-Fed!] Well, those hormone crazed hooligans won't be getting our teenage girls in trouble if the girls are already pregnant. That is why we must artificially inseminate the entire freshman class. [Life Begins At Orientation] Shouldn't be hard. Do 'em when they're high.

You think some stranger is going to enter a school if they know it's full of pregnant, gun-toting drug addicts? [Substitute Teachers Do It] Folks, that would be like storming the Thunder Dome. [Or The Superdome]

Now obviously, I'm dreaming big here. The first step is getting weapons in the hands of our teachers. [Chalk and Awe] What other possible way is there to protect that which is most precious to us? [Second Amendment] So, to keep keep our kids safe, we must first take the safety off. And that's The Word. [Safety] We'll be right back.

So there you have it, arm the teachers.

And if you vote in Rep. Lasee's district, keep it in mind on election day. And spread the word.

Update: it's on YouTube

Monday, October 09, 2006

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